Do you ever have days where some things just scare you? You know it's silly and not logical, but you just can't help it. I'm having one of those days.
We lost a friend the other night. He was fighting cancer, but appeared to be giving it a good fight. It wasn't the cancer that killed him. It was an anuerysm. It was quick and painless, but he's still gone. His wife has been a dear friend for as long as I can remember. She grew up with my husband and I've known her for 37 years.
It's odd the things that death makes go through your head. My fear today is being 54. My dad was 54 when he died. I'm probably the only person I know that can't wait to turn 55. I can't get my mind off the things that dad missed. He only got to see four of his grandkids, even though there were five more to come. There are the six great grandkids. He would just be eating them up. He loved being grandpa. Why did he have to miss it all? Why did my kids have to not get to know him? My oldest daughter was only two and a half when he died. I can't imagine how proud he would have been of my twins. They were the ninth set of twins on his side of the family. My youngest daughter has his sense of humor. He missed it all.
My fear is, what if it happens to me? What if I pick the short stick and have to leave my family early? I have two perfect and beautiful granddaughters. What if I miss all the rest of my grandkids and all the great grandkids? What if I miss my youngest daughter's wedding? What if, what if, what if??????
So, these have been my thoughts today. I know that dwelling on it does nothing good. It just seems since my birthday, I think of it more often than I did before and times like now just make it worse. I'm sure I'll be better after Monday's funeral and things calm down, but right now, I'm scared and I miss my dad.